Thursday, March 4, 2010

To my parents...

To My Dear Parents,


I know that being raised as you were makes it difficult for you to understand "why" I am "doing" this. But who and what I am is not a simple "this." It is not a choice nor it is a way to punish you as though you were a bad parent. I just am who I am. Some days I do not like me, but that is life. I know that you love me and I know that who I love may seem odd to you. No matter how we may avoid it at the end of the day it will not change. But at the end of the day, I also know that you are proud of me and my accomplishments. If you could only see that my accomplishments are a direct result of that which has made me different, then I think it would all make sense. My knowing that I was different and disliked made me work harder for acceptance. Now I know the only acceptance I need comes from myself. I have to deal with how things stand and move forward. Maybe as we get older that is harder. Maybe, but that is where you are at, and if so, that is okay. I know you love me. I hope that you know that I will always love you.


I have no idea what is possessing me to write you. You have been dead since I was seven. I think part of it is that I know you would never accept me. The military man in you would be furious as you have always been. Confronting that brick wall of thought might be the only way I can think to forgive you actually. You were by far not as kind as you could have been. Nightmares of my childhood still hold me back to this day. Less often as time passes. I guess I want you to know that I do remember the good as well as the bad. I do not color my perception. So my hope is that other fathers will not color theirs when their children need them the most.

Thank you both for all that you did to help me learn and grow.

Your son,